5.05.2012

the things

There are things I want to tell you.
Things I want to say.
Sometimes I am afraid I have lost my voice.
Lost my point of view.
Bumbling around in my own blather.
The real words trapped.
Caught.
Failing.
The things of importance are lost in the trivial.
Lost in pinterest, facebook, texts, voice messages, email and things left unsaid.
The real words roar loud in my ears and pound in my heart.
A rhythm all their own.
Those words, those truths caught.
Captured.
Suspended somewhere between dreams and reality.
This week a few bloggers posted about the things they are afraid to say.
This idea swirls in my thoughts, in my head and in my heart.
Not just this week but in all the weeks.
But I am afraid.
Afraid.
What if you judge me.
What if my words are misinterpreted.
What if I hurt someone.
What if you see the real me.
...
I will be brave and honest.
Truthful and kind.
I do not wish to stand behind fear but allow the truth to stay in the clearing.
...
Here are a few things from the heart,
off the cuff:

I am kinda a mess...unhappy, overweight and tired.

I worry that perhaps home school is draining my soul, but I am worried that I have failed if the kids go back to the local school. Yet on the other hand I enjoy being with the kids, knowing them, but the constant togetherness is like a weight around me.

Delia is having surgery in a few weeks, a surgery I have pushed for, a surgery that is helpful but not necessary. Another implant. I doubt my decision. daily.

Years ago, I was a decisive person, making big decisions without a thought in the world.  
Just a quick prayer and basic intuition.  Now days I can hardly decide what to eat. 

Food occupies more space in my head then it ought too.
Constantly thinking about food, what it is in it, where it was grown, who touched it, what it is doing/or not doing for the health of my body.

 I have flashbacks to the suicide of our neighbor every time a fire truck is nearby.
The past 6 months have been full of sorrow and trauma that I seem unable to stand up under yet I know that the trials of others far outweigh my own.  far. 

I want to trust God more.  To truly live in faith.
To walk in faith.
Most days I can barely hit my knees to pray...my faith is weak.
...
There are so many more things I want to say.
So much more.
Thoughts jumbled deep within me.

But for now, I must jump in the shower, because, in spite of myself and my struggles with friendship, there is, so I am told, a party for me in a few hours.
For me.
A celebration of my 40 years.
...
what do you want to say?  what are you afraid to speak aloud.

3 comments:

  1. Honesty....brilliant, and needed in our lives. Thanks, dear friend.
    Steph

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  2. i agree with steph.

    from the heart goodness.

    a few of mine: i feel perpetually tired, but then when i could go to sleep i stay up late doing dumb things. i know that exercise is good for me, but it doesn't seem to do much besides making me feel better, so most of the time i just give up and stop afte a month or so. now i have a great studio, and no clue when i will work in it. and if i do work in it, what i will do. i'm not doing a good job taking care of our money (not that we have much of it). blah.

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  3. I love your honesty. I love that you are 40 and im not there just yet (ha ha), i love that you opened your heart and brought truth to light and just a short day or so later God slapped you upside the head with a grand dose of happiness in the midst of the mundane. I love that you have fears and doubts because its what makes you a sheep in need of the Great Shepard! I love that you are you! Xo

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