3.18.2009

rolling waves

Sometimes the rolling waves unknown sadness flood over me.
Could be depression I suppose.
Could be lack of sleep for the past 7 years of motherhood and not mention the many months of pregnant sleep before that.
Could be the drugs for the wicked iritis.
Could be hormones and all that womanly jazz.
Could be too little exercise, never too much.
Could be too little downtime.
Could be a spiritual sadness or struggle.
Could be the blues.
Could be an off day.
Could be a common cold.
Could be a sad movie.
Or song.
Or story.
Could be loneliness.
Could be the many looming life changes.
Could be exhaustion.
Could be combination of any or all of the above.
Last week the rolling wave of sadness hit while watching the movie,
I highly recommend this movie if you are my sister, my mom or anyone else who enjoys foreign french films.
Within a day the waves of sadness dissipated.
A day or so later the rolling wave of disappointment crashed on my beach.
Disappointment sucks.
Especially when it is self inflicted.
I wanted to book a family camping vacation in Yosemite this summer.
Last year was such an amazing experience.
I knew I had to book at 7 am on March 15th.
A very narrow window.
A very glorious high country.
I marked the calendar.
I talked to John.
I talked to friends to coordinate overlapping days.
I chatted mindlessly about the plans.
I remembered on Saturday to book the next day.
Sunday the 15th rolls around, I lazily read the paper, make lattes and made small talk and BOOM it is 9 am and the entire Yosemite site is booked.
Aaaaaaaaa.
Disappointment's crashing waves.
I almost cried.
There is still "walk up" possibilities but I like plans.
Rock solid plans.
Disappointment is not a new emotion for me.
I think it might be the most familiar.
...




4 comments:

  1. Awww bummer - lets go for coffee and chocolate! ;)

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  2. I don't understand everything you are feeling and I'm not sure if it is a deep or shallow sadness, but I understand the heart behind what you wrote. And the picture of waves is so perfect. I dip my toes in there, run back, away from the wave. Then I dip in a little deeper 'til I am wading. I so though that loving Jesus would cure all this. Tricky part is I still haven't let Him love me, not like He wants to.

    xox

    Emily

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nicole, this was beautiful. So sorry about Yosemite --

    And remember, on a beach, even crashing is beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sometimes camping (or visiting) in Idaho can make a person feel much better. This is a standing invitation!

    ReplyDelete

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